Fighting with Myself and Losing

I'm fine&
            Everything's fine.
As far as everyone else is concerned,
            I'm fine.
I am just a kid,
            And I don't have any real problems.
My parents didn't just have another fight.
            School life isn't hard.
I didn't just doze off in Social Studies,
            Because I didn't have the strengths to hold my head up.
I'm pale because I don't get out much,
            The sun rarely touches my face.
I skipped lunch,
            Because I wasn't hungry.
I'm thin because I always have been,
            Always will be
As far
            As everyone else is concerned

As far as I'm concerned,
            It's an internal war
That I don't bother defending myself in anymore.
            I'm never going to win

My head isn't a place you want to live.
            So much going on at once,
Yet I can't make sense of any of it.
            Things contradict themselves up there.
I'm supposed to love myself,
            Yet I'm also supposed to meet the standard of society.
I try to get good grades,
            And when I do I'm labeled "Nerd."
"Take hold of your destiny!"
            Then, "Let me tell you how to do this"
"Make some friends!"
            All of a sudden, "We're moving again."
"Get settled; be secure in your new home"
            I don't even get the chance to remember where the light switches are.
                        That I've almost gotten used to.
I'm teased about my weight,
            Yet the next day they turn around and call me gangly.
I'm fat.
            I'm too thin to stand.
I've worked so hard to be beautiful,
            Yet I despise my own molding of my body.

It'll never be good enough.
            I'm ugly.
I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror.
            I feel fat.
But I'm so skinny, even I dislike it.
            But I still need to lose weight, however possible
I hate feeling empty.
            I hate starving myself.
But I need to.
            I just need to
All I want is to be beautiful
            Is that so wrong?

I need control
            Something that is mine,
Even if it hurts me.
            I choose to be skinny
That's my quest in life.
            And no one can take it away from me.
No one can control how much I eat and when.
            Only I can say that.
I've nothing better that I'm meant for,
            So why the heck not?
If my heart stops in my sleep,
            Chances are, no one will care.
So I'll skip yet another meal&

When I do eat, it only hurts me.
            Every calorie, every carb
After not eating for so long,
            You get used to being hungry.
If I eat, my tummy turns.
            It hurts to nourish myself.
Food tastes so good when it first hits my tongue.
            But not a second later,
I feel the guilt that makes me wanna spit it out.
            Constant thoughts, at the mere suggestion
Of meat, or bread, or anything like that.
            Thoughts of how I need to be beautiful.
I can't go a day without those thoughts.
            Sometimes every minute,
I'm tortured by the echoes of
            My own brain fighting me.

No one knows
            No one understands.

My own parents don't even understand!
            The weighing, the counting, the sleepless nights
How am I supposed
            To live another day like this?
But, it is just my normal.
            That is how I get by.
It'll be okay,
            For just another day.
Just a miserable,
            Lonely,
                        Agonizing,
                                    Long,
                                                Sickly,
                                                            Depressing day.

I am told there's a God who loves me.
            But I've doubts He even exists.
How could He have made me
            Just to suffer in agony like this?
Still, if You are there, God,
            What must I do
To make you love me once again?

Will anyone, please, help me?
            I'm crying out silently for help.
Can't you see it in my eyes?
            Or do you even have the time to glance?